I screwed up. I'm writing this down to get it off my chest, because I'm not sleeping well at night now.
You know that feeling? when you've done bad, and pushed it away, and it won't leave you alone, and it sneaks up on you when you're not ready for it....that feeling when your heart pounds uncomfortably fast, regardless of the amount of coffee you've injested recently?
This is one thing I hate about doing commercial art. Sometimes I get hung up over something and I put it off and put it off...and then it turns around and bites me very hard in the butt. I've got 4 and a half projects due for the studio. I'm at least 2 weeks, maybe three behind (another of my problems is loosing track of time...).
Friday the foreman called. Today the boss called. I haven't listened to either message. I have some idea of what they have to say, but I don't want to listen. I'm having a hard enough time sleeping as it is, and if I listen to the messages, then I have no choice but to call them back. What do I tell them? I'm tired of making excuses. I'm just behind. Uninspired. Unmotivated.
This little voice in the back of my head says "maybe if they paid me in advance..." But that's just another excuse. And if I were behind it would be even worse for me.
I hate this feeling. I hate it when I get myself into these situations. I feel responsible. I feel like I have totally failed everyone. I know that if I take a step back and look around, this is nothing. This is not the end of the world, and ultimately teaching is more important to me anyway. But I still feel like a failure. I have people relying on me to get something done, and if I can't get it done, than what am I to everyone else?
*Sigh*....I thought writing all this down would make me feel better, but it hasn't. So, I think I'll just go to bed, and try to sleep.
Ta.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
"I used to sit and watch the pouring rain..."
Off and on for the last few weeks, a very troubling thought would randomly pop into my mind. I missed the rain. I've lived half my life in places where it rained almost every day like clockwork. Since moving out to California, however, the number of days it has rained while I've lived here wouldn't fill a year. That's what I get for living in a sub-saharan climate.
The lack of rain has really bothered me recently. I've been trying to remember the last time it really rained down here. I figured it out today. I think it was right after the Witch Creek Fire last October, when Pendleton burned all the way to the 5 freeway. A week or two after the firefighters got that fire under control, it rained for a day or two. Maybe more, I can't remember. But once the ash soaked into the ground, and after a few weeks of sunshine, Pendleton was once more covered in green.
The subject of rain came up last night too. I was describing how much I missed thick, heavy drops of rain splatting on the ground. I missed a good solid day of heavy rain, the kind that soaks everything. The kind that stays in the ground for days, and when you look around, you can see all the plants looking greener and perkier for all the water their roots are sucking up.
So, you can imagine my astonishment when I arrived at the architecture studio this morning, and saw first one, then two, then several drops hitting my windshield. The sun was coming up spectacularily over the hills, and there were large scattered towers of clouds all over the sky. You could see the rain in some of them. Not dark with menace, just heavy with potential. And as the towers swept across the morning sky, there were rumbles of thunder, and sweeps of beautiful, heavy rain coming down.
By afternoon the traces of rain were almost gone, but you can still see puddles here and there. And as the rain came down this morning, and I stood in it, letting it soak my hair and my shoulders, I just had to thank God for hearing our wishes, and today making mine come true.
Cheers!
The lack of rain has really bothered me recently. I've been trying to remember the last time it really rained down here. I figured it out today. I think it was right after the Witch Creek Fire last October, when Pendleton burned all the way to the 5 freeway. A week or two after the firefighters got that fire under control, it rained for a day or two. Maybe more, I can't remember. But once the ash soaked into the ground, and after a few weeks of sunshine, Pendleton was once more covered in green.
The subject of rain came up last night too. I was describing how much I missed thick, heavy drops of rain splatting on the ground. I missed a good solid day of heavy rain, the kind that soaks everything. The kind that stays in the ground for days, and when you look around, you can see all the plants looking greener and perkier for all the water their roots are sucking up.
So, you can imagine my astonishment when I arrived at the architecture studio this morning, and saw first one, then two, then several drops hitting my windshield. The sun was coming up spectacularily over the hills, and there were large scattered towers of clouds all over the sky. You could see the rain in some of them. Not dark with menace, just heavy with potential. And as the towers swept across the morning sky, there were rumbles of thunder, and sweeps of beautiful, heavy rain coming down.
By afternoon the traces of rain were almost gone, but you can still see puddles here and there. And as the rain came down this morning, and I stood in it, letting it soak my hair and my shoulders, I just had to thank God for hearing our wishes, and today making mine come true.
Cheers!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
students
As I sit here, watching seventh graders messing around, pretending to do the assignment I gave them, I can't help at wonder what some of them will be like in a few years. Some of the 7th and 8th graders I meet are very tall, getting their adult growth in. When they go off to High School, they have a semblance of adulthood. Others can look forward to looking young and out of place when they reach the 9th grade.
But that's not entirely what I mean when I wonder what they will be like. A handful of students that I have met in these grades have very mature senses of humor. Others are very good at imitating the adults in their lives. You can almost predict what their parents are like from the way they act.
After teaching for a couple of years, I can see the way people probably were when they were in these grades. The ones who changed the most, usually the introverts who develop into mild extroverts are most often the ones worth knowing. However, every personality, every character has its own charm, and as I look around me and see the way these kids express themselves, I dearly wish that I could see into their futures. I wish I could see what they will become.
But that's not entirely what I mean when I wonder what they will be like. A handful of students that I have met in these grades have very mature senses of humor. Others are very good at imitating the adults in their lives. You can almost predict what their parents are like from the way they act.
After teaching for a couple of years, I can see the way people probably were when they were in these grades. The ones who changed the most, usually the introverts who develop into mild extroverts are most often the ones worth knowing. However, every personality, every character has its own charm, and as I look around me and see the way these kids express themselves, I dearly wish that I could see into their futures. I wish I could see what they will become.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Californian to Dana Point
I wasn't back two weeks from the Festival of Sail in Los Angeles when I found myself going sailing again. I have to be honest here; the reason why I never sail on the Californian is because I've always been terrified of the skipper who is most often her captain. He's a very tough guy who never smiles, and there are all sorts of stories about him chewing people out because they didn't know what they were doing.
So when I saw the list for the trip to Dana Point on the Californian, I was very excited to see that the skipper of the Surprise as Captain and one of the really nice guys who've been around for years as the mate, I was happy to volunteer to sail up and back. It was a great weekend. The sailing was marvelous, especially on Saturday, when we had wind that let us go up to 8 or so knots.
We left SD on Friday morning around 3:30am, and being on the first watch, I had the good fortune to watch the sun come up behind La Jolla. It was one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen. Later in the day we saw dolphins, a sunfish, and three Fin whales played and fished nearby, completely unconcerned by our ship. We even had an apparently exhausted seagull who, after trying several uncomfortable landing sites on the ship, finally settled on the still-furled inner jib. We tried chasing him away by throwing pancakes at him, which he ate, and then the heaving line. This bothered him, but did not persuade him to leave permanently. Oh well. He stayed till he'd had his fill of the sun and relaxation, then left.
Once we reached Dana Point, we picked up passengers and headed back out for the afternoon's Parade into the harbor. Once that was through, and we'd rafted the ship to the others in the harbor, we ate and slept. The next two days consisted of opening all the ships up to the public from 10 to 4, at which time we all loaded up with passengers and headed out for afternoon gun battles. Six ships participated in this: The Californian, the Spirit of Dana Point, the Lynx, the American Pride, and the Exy Johnson and Irving Johnson.
The best moment of the two days of gun battles was on the first afternoon, when the Exy and the Irving came down on us together. We went between them going the opposite direction. What they didn't know was that unlike most of our engagements, we had two gunners on baord that day. So when they came up on us, we fired both broadsides at the same time. It was beautiful. The most talked about moment of the weekend.
Being such a full weekend, with so much that happened, I'll continue this in a second post, with pictures too. Cheers!
So when I saw the list for the trip to Dana Point on the Californian, I was very excited to see that the skipper of the Surprise as Captain and one of the really nice guys who've been around for years as the mate, I was happy to volunteer to sail up and back. It was a great weekend. The sailing was marvelous, especially on Saturday, when we had wind that let us go up to 8 or so knots.
We left SD on Friday morning around 3:30am, and being on the first watch, I had the good fortune to watch the sun come up behind La Jolla. It was one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen. Later in the day we saw dolphins, a sunfish, and three Fin whales played and fished nearby, completely unconcerned by our ship. We even had an apparently exhausted seagull who, after trying several uncomfortable landing sites on the ship, finally settled on the still-furled inner jib. We tried chasing him away by throwing pancakes at him, which he ate, and then the heaving line. This bothered him, but did not persuade him to leave permanently. Oh well. He stayed till he'd had his fill of the sun and relaxation, then left.
Once we reached Dana Point, we picked up passengers and headed back out for the afternoon's Parade into the harbor. Once that was through, and we'd rafted the ship to the others in the harbor, we ate and slept. The next two days consisted of opening all the ships up to the public from 10 to 4, at which time we all loaded up with passengers and headed out for afternoon gun battles. Six ships participated in this: The Californian, the Spirit of Dana Point, the Lynx, the American Pride, and the Exy Johnson and Irving Johnson.
The best moment of the two days of gun battles was on the first afternoon, when the Exy and the Irving came down on us together. We went between them going the opposite direction. What they didn't know was that unlike most of our engagements, we had two gunners on baord that day. So when they came up on us, we fired both broadsides at the same time. It was beautiful. The most talked about moment of the weekend.
Being such a full weekend, with so much that happened, I'll continue this in a second post, with pictures too. Cheers!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Suprise in LA
Since we tied off our mooring lines last Monday (wow, a week ago...) back in San Diego, I've been mulling over the trip I just went on. There is a great deal to mull. The trip was, in a word, awesome. No doubt about it. But there is so much to write about, and so much of that would be indecipherable to those who had not experienced it for themselves, that I think I'm just going to put down some choice memories from the trip.
First off, for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, I got to sail the HMS Surprise from the San Diego Maritime Museum, with 43 other crew to the LA Port in San Pedro. Considering that last November, we had no idea when we'd ever get to take our ship out for the day again, let alone 4 days, this was a major accomplisment. We left SD Thursday afternoon, two weeks ago, spent the weekend in San Pedro, and returned the following Monday. Why? Because of the Festival of Sail.
The Festival moved down the coast from San Francisco, and ended in San Diego (that was this past weekend, and a lot of fun). But we actually got to participate in San Pedro. For the most part that meant that our beautiful ship was docked and people were swarming all over it from 11 in the morning till 7 at night for 3 days. Those of us who weren't on anchor watch during those hours spent the days walking around, seeing the other ships that were there for the Festival, exploring San Pedro, or hanging out with visiting family and friends.
I really can't describe the things that happened over that weekend, because most of the memorable events involved very inebriated people at ungodly hours of the morning. Some of these people were crazy too, but nothing bad happened, and the ship and crew remained safe the whole time. (so, no worries).
But there was Saturday night, when 15 or 16 of us Surprises (including the skipper) headed off to the free showing of "Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World" at the local movie theater. We took up one and a half rows in the back, and we all cheered at the right spots, laughed at the jokes and sang along to the sea shanties. At the end of the movie, we gave a loud three cheers to the crew of the Surprise in the movie. We all felt good about having represented our ship with gusto.
There was also a lot of wildlife sightings on the way up to LA and the journey back. Mostly dolphins, but one whale, a few sea lions, and two sunfish. My favorite was while I was standing watch on Monday morning at 3:30 in the morning. I was standing at the starboard bow, leaning on the bulwarks, when suddenly I heard the sound of air coming from a blowhole. I looked down, and by the light of the moon I saw the smooth backs of dolphins coming up for air right in front of the bow. They were doing so very quietly, and gracefully, instead of jumping around and playing the way I've seen them do during the day.
But the best memory of all, by far, was at the beginning of the trip. Just as we were getting ready to throw off our mooring lines and leave the dock in SD, I heard the skipper call my name out loudly. "Front and center!" he cried. So, I took my place at the wheel. I had the enormous honor of taking the Surprise out as far as the first sea buoy. What a joy that was.
As the memories and stories unspool from my mind, I'll add some of the choice bits.
Ta for now!
First off, for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, I got to sail the HMS Surprise from the San Diego Maritime Museum, with 43 other crew to the LA Port in San Pedro. Considering that last November, we had no idea when we'd ever get to take our ship out for the day again, let alone 4 days, this was a major accomplisment. We left SD Thursday afternoon, two weeks ago, spent the weekend in San Pedro, and returned the following Monday. Why? Because of the Festival of Sail.
The Festival moved down the coast from San Francisco, and ended in San Diego (that was this past weekend, and a lot of fun). But we actually got to participate in San Pedro. For the most part that meant that our beautiful ship was docked and people were swarming all over it from 11 in the morning till 7 at night for 3 days. Those of us who weren't on anchor watch during those hours spent the days walking around, seeing the other ships that were there for the Festival, exploring San Pedro, or hanging out with visiting family and friends.
I really can't describe the things that happened over that weekend, because most of the memorable events involved very inebriated people at ungodly hours of the morning. Some of these people were crazy too, but nothing bad happened, and the ship and crew remained safe the whole time. (so, no worries).
But there was Saturday night, when 15 or 16 of us Surprises (including the skipper) headed off to the free showing of "Master and Commander: the Far Side of the World" at the local movie theater. We took up one and a half rows in the back, and we all cheered at the right spots, laughed at the jokes and sang along to the sea shanties. At the end of the movie, we gave a loud three cheers to the crew of the Surprise in the movie. We all felt good about having represented our ship with gusto.
There was also a lot of wildlife sightings on the way up to LA and the journey back. Mostly dolphins, but one whale, a few sea lions, and two sunfish. My favorite was while I was standing watch on Monday morning at 3:30 in the morning. I was standing at the starboard bow, leaning on the bulwarks, when suddenly I heard the sound of air coming from a blowhole. I looked down, and by the light of the moon I saw the smooth backs of dolphins coming up for air right in front of the bow. They were doing so very quietly, and gracefully, instead of jumping around and playing the way I've seen them do during the day.
But the best memory of all, by far, was at the beginning of the trip. Just as we were getting ready to throw off our mooring lines and leave the dock in SD, I heard the skipper call my name out loudly. "Front and center!" he cried. So, I took my place at the wheel. I had the enormous honor of taking the Surprise out as far as the first sea buoy. What a joy that was.
As the memories and stories unspool from my mind, I'll add some of the choice bits.
Ta for now!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
People are Stupid.
Maybe it is just that I am very tired today. I went to bed close to 3am this morning, because I was finishing up the flag to give to Mr. Brinks later this morning. That was probably my biggest mistake.
You know, how when your tired, everything seems magnified? Like all of the stupid things people do? The guy in front of you is driving too slowly and your late for something, or nobody uses their turn signals, or people ask you dumb questions. It all seems to grate much more when you are super tired.
That was me today. Today was the day to finish the wheel. It now has a coat of epoxy on every surface. Some of it needs a couple more coats, but the point is, that it is 98% finished. And it looks gorgeous.
Nevertheless, I still got all of the original questions and statements that I normally get when I spend the day on the caution tape-roped-off-wheel. "Wow, that looks like hard work!" or "Did you lose a bet?" or "Are you being punished?" or "That's a big job...". And of course there are always moments where I have to laugh at people. I have now had three incidents of somebody thinking that we steered the ship backwards, and having to point out to them that the pointy end of the ship is actually the front.
Today takes the cake, however. While I was cleaning everything up in preparation for epoxying, I had three people come up and touch the wheel's spokes. Then a family came on board, and the dad walks up and says "wow, they must be working on the wheel. I guess we shouldn't touch it." What does he do? He reaches out and touches it. His three kids race up and the littlest follows his father's stellar example and grabs a spoke, prompting the man to start yelling at him, and the kid to start crying. Brilliant.
The best was at the end of the day. I'd just finished applying epoxy to the outer ring of spokes, and this guy and his two daughters walks up, and he reaches out to touch the wheel. I give him my I'm-going-to-skin-you-alive look, and say very sharply "Sir, please don't touch the wheel." He replies, "Yeah, I know..." and shows me his now sticky fingers. Crap and a half, man. Seriously. Rig up the grating. Give him a dozen stripes. He'll never look at CAUTION TAPE and FRESH VARNISH signs the same way again.
I had to leave shortly after that, because I was extremely close to maiming someone. And you know that as soon as I left, someone probably touched the very freshly epoxied wheel. I'm positive of it.
So, note to self: go to sleep early tonight. The last thing I want to do tomorrow during sail training is bite the head off of one of my mates...especially as I'm going to be living with 25 of them for 4 days in close quarters next week....
Cheers.
You know, how when your tired, everything seems magnified? Like all of the stupid things people do? The guy in front of you is driving too slowly and your late for something, or nobody uses their turn signals, or people ask you dumb questions. It all seems to grate much more when you are super tired.
That was me today. Today was the day to finish the wheel. It now has a coat of epoxy on every surface. Some of it needs a couple more coats, but the point is, that it is 98% finished. And it looks gorgeous.
Nevertheless, I still got all of the original questions and statements that I normally get when I spend the day on the caution tape-roped-off-wheel. "Wow, that looks like hard work!" or "Did you lose a bet?" or "Are you being punished?" or "That's a big job...". And of course there are always moments where I have to laugh at people. I have now had three incidents of somebody thinking that we steered the ship backwards, and having to point out to them that the pointy end of the ship is actually the front.
Today takes the cake, however. While I was cleaning everything up in preparation for epoxying, I had three people come up and touch the wheel's spokes. Then a family came on board, and the dad walks up and says "wow, they must be working on the wheel. I guess we shouldn't touch it." What does he do? He reaches out and touches it. His three kids race up and the littlest follows his father's stellar example and grabs a spoke, prompting the man to start yelling at him, and the kid to start crying. Brilliant.
The best was at the end of the day. I'd just finished applying epoxy to the outer ring of spokes, and this guy and his two daughters walks up, and he reaches out to touch the wheel. I give him my I'm-going-to-skin-you-alive look, and say very sharply "Sir, please don't touch the wheel." He replies, "Yeah, I know..." and shows me his now sticky fingers. Crap and a half, man. Seriously. Rig up the grating. Give him a dozen stripes. He'll never look at CAUTION TAPE and FRESH VARNISH signs the same way again.
I had to leave shortly after that, because I was extremely close to maiming someone. And you know that as soon as I left, someone probably touched the very freshly epoxied wheel. I'm positive of it.
So, note to self: go to sleep early tonight. The last thing I want to do tomorrow during sail training is bite the head off of one of my mates...especially as I'm going to be living with 25 of them for 4 days in close quarters next week....
Cheers.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
I Get All The Weirdos
Its true. Almost everytime I've had to be the person in the drive thru spot, I get the weirdos, the freaks, the caffeine addicts, the cranky people and the crazies. Like the guy who walked up to the window one night. We don't serve people through the window unless they are in a car....
Last night took the cake in my book. I'm in the back doing dishes, and a car comes through. I can hear the car is obviously full of immature guys who are pretending that we are McDonalds. Haha. Okay, so moving on. They finally get up to the window, and man, they were out to have a GREAT time. More customers pull up to the box, and I'm having a hard time hearing them because of all the noise these boys are making.
We get their drinks made and handed out to them, and many insults and other such comments are exchanged (not by me, since I was trying to concentrate on the other customers in the drive). I turn to the window just as they start pulling away. The SUV stops so that the passenger is at the window, and one of the boys decides to show me his skinny white butt. They pull away laughing hysterically.
I really didn't need to see that.
I was in the neighborhood today, so I stopped by the store to get some coffee, and as I walk in a really tall skinny fellow walks out. I stopped, and watched him leave, thinking Man, he looks familiar...kinda like the driver of that car from last night.
I get up to the counter, and my AM tells me that that kid Was the driver from last night, and that he'd come to apologize and left his phone number. The AM gives it to me, and I get my drink and leave. As I got in my car, I noticed the kid was still in the parking lot, so I pull up to where his car is and I call out to him.
What followed was a nearly tearful, very panicked explanation and apology. The cops had called his folks. Oh boy. That CHP guy must have called it in! (I had written down their license plate number) I smiled, and told the kid that it was okay, and I really appreciated his apologizing, and with a grin, told him to tell his friend that he needed a tan.
So, that was my first experience being mooned.
=)
Last night took the cake in my book. I'm in the back doing dishes, and a car comes through. I can hear the car is obviously full of immature guys who are pretending that we are McDonalds. Haha. Okay, so moving on. They finally get up to the window, and man, they were out to have a GREAT time. More customers pull up to the box, and I'm having a hard time hearing them because of all the noise these boys are making.
We get their drinks made and handed out to them, and many insults and other such comments are exchanged (not by me, since I was trying to concentrate on the other customers in the drive). I turn to the window just as they start pulling away. The SUV stops so that the passenger is at the window, and one of the boys decides to show me his skinny white butt. They pull away laughing hysterically.
I really didn't need to see that.
I was in the neighborhood today, so I stopped by the store to get some coffee, and as I walk in a really tall skinny fellow walks out. I stopped, and watched him leave, thinking Man, he looks familiar...kinda like the driver of that car from last night.
I get up to the counter, and my AM tells me that that kid Was the driver from last night, and that he'd come to apologize and left his phone number. The AM gives it to me, and I get my drink and leave. As I got in my car, I noticed the kid was still in the parking lot, so I pull up to where his car is and I call out to him.
What followed was a nearly tearful, very panicked explanation and apology. The cops had called his folks. Oh boy. That CHP guy must have called it in! (I had written down their license plate number) I smiled, and told the kid that it was okay, and I really appreciated his apologizing, and with a grin, told him to tell his friend that he needed a tan.
So, that was my first experience being mooned.
=)
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