I sit here at my computer at five after two in the morning, fully understanding the meaning of the term "losing sleep". Somebody said something to me today, or more like made a request of me today. A request that by my own clumsy machinations I cannot refuse, yet have no way to make it happen without causing great pain to everyone concerned.
I think it was the full moon. Today was a really crappy day, with one exception. It started out with me having early morning nightmares about money, then getting a call from my mother that she was dropping something off. I went down to meet her, and checked my mail while I waited. I found a letter from a school that I had really hoped to get a job, kindly rejecting my application, and a letter from the City of San Diego, letting me know how much money they were going to relieve me off for going too fast on the 5. Money I don't have. Hence the nightmares.
The day was beautiful, I'll give it that. But I'm wary of such things sometimes. My car was broken (again) and I was stuck for things to do. I walked to the movie theatre to see a movie that was wonderful and charming, yet the power of it was rather lost on me because of the issues wallowing around in my head. My new job called to reschedule my first day at work, and by this time I was working on a beautiful headache.
Then came the request. The one I can't refuse. All of this has led up to me sitting at my computer at 2 in the morning, trying to figure out how to quiet the demons in my head and go to sleep. But I can't. They have pointed out to me what I've failed to see all these years, and because of some well-meaning comments made to me last weekend, I see the truth in what they say. I really have made a complete mess of my life.
Ever since I left for school in California, I have been completely unable to take care of myself. I can't pay my bills, I can't keep my living spaces clean, I can't feed myself properly, I have no social life, and I can't figure out how to stop lying to myself and to those around me about my affairs and status in life. Real lies, the kind that pile up, until you can't see past them, and don't know how to get clean again. Its like I need to file for bankruptcy for my life. But I'm afraid I won't know how to do it right the second time.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to come clean, and still be forgiven. Because no matter what I'm still incapable, untrustworthy, and unable to fend for myself. And no matter how much I want to blame how I've turned out on others, I'm still the one at the bottom of the ladder. Ultimately I'm the one to blame.
You wanna know the crazy part of all of this? To keep it all in perspective, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't committed adultery, I haven't been doing drugs or drinking my whole life, I haven't committed treason, I haven't stolen anything, I haven't gotten myself pregnant at the age of 15...the list goes on. But what I have done, in my small, concentrated way I will never shake the shame of all the days of my life.
Dramatic? Yes, well, I'm an artist. A passionate soul. Useless, but passionate nonetheless. That's what happens when you've screwed up (again), others know it and are waiting for you to come clean, and you can't and you are up all night losing sleep over it. And I haven't had anything to drink yet! Imagine what I'd sound like if I'd been drunk (which will never happen. period.).
Well...now it is 2:30, and I have to help my brother move in the morning.
Goodnight.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Wedding Madness
This weekend provided ample distraction from the pain of letting go of school and facing my future. My cousin Catherine got married on Saturday night to Matthew Williams, and though I doubt they will ever see this, I offer my congratulations. They seemed such the lovely couple. While I really wanted to see the wedding, my brother and I were there to see the madness of our family getting together for the first time in years. People that neither of us had seen in over a decade, people that didn't get along with the rest of the family, people whose minds have left them in uncertainty...they were all there.
To keep track of the madness and craziness, Matt and I kept a tally.
For a little clarification, Jodi is our Aunt, married to our mother's brother, Dennis, and The Girls are their kids. They've been estranged from our family for years, though Dennis is in contact with my grandparents on a regular basis. He's the most normal of them, but is chained to their madness, so we don't see much of him. The only member of my family that manages to get along with them or communicate with them at all is my brother, God bless him. Marian is my grandfather's sister. A few years back she was attacked by a dog, and ever since then has been searching for her mind. Its kind of sad, but she still does the craziest things, and this weekend was no exception. When you get her with my grandfather's other sister, Margaret (who is an elderly felon) and my grandmother in one room, chaos (and memory loss) ensues. If you can get around how sad it is, it is also pretty funny. Nice thing is that I don't think any of them are aware of what's happened to them.
Anyway, Marian took the prize for this weekend, with my grandmother coming in a close second. My grandmother earned lots of points for doing things like dipping the handmade biscotti (made by the mother of the bride) into her iced tea at the reception. Matt and I could hardly contain ourselves.
There are people who are on the list, but because of their tireless efforts to keep the weekend going smoothly, their craziness is being overlooked. I will mention that my brother earned himself a point on Sunday for frantically searching for his cell phone while in the car on the way home. He even made me get his bag from the back seat, search it, then call his phone a couple of times because he'd thought he'd heard it ringing. Then he stuck is hand into the pocket on his door (which he had just vigorously searched) and there it was. Despite passionate protest, he eventually gave in to having earned himself a point.
So, that was our weekend. Thanks to Catherine and Matthew Williams for providing us not only a beautiful wedding to attend, but also a long awaited family renunion where we could be entertained.
Cheers!
To keep track of the madness and craziness, Matt and I kept a tally.
For a little clarification, Jodi is our Aunt, married to our mother's brother, Dennis, and The Girls are their kids. They've been estranged from our family for years, though Dennis is in contact with my grandparents on a regular basis. He's the most normal of them, but is chained to their madness, so we don't see much of him. The only member of my family that manages to get along with them or communicate with them at all is my brother, God bless him. Marian is my grandfather's sister. A few years back she was attacked by a dog, and ever since then has been searching for her mind. Its kind of sad, but she still does the craziest things, and this weekend was no exception. When you get her with my grandfather's other sister, Margaret (who is an elderly felon) and my grandmother in one room, chaos (and memory loss) ensues. If you can get around how sad it is, it is also pretty funny. Nice thing is that I don't think any of them are aware of what's happened to them.
Anyway, Marian took the prize for this weekend, with my grandmother coming in a close second. My grandmother earned lots of points for doing things like dipping the handmade biscotti (made by the mother of the bride) into her iced tea at the reception. Matt and I could hardly contain ourselves.
There are people who are on the list, but because of their tireless efforts to keep the weekend going smoothly, their craziness is being overlooked. I will mention that my brother earned himself a point on Sunday for frantically searching for his cell phone while in the car on the way home. He even made me get his bag from the back seat, search it, then call his phone a couple of times because he'd thought he'd heard it ringing. Then he stuck is hand into the pocket on his door (which he had just vigorously searched) and there it was. Despite passionate protest, he eventually gave in to having earned himself a point.
So, that was our weekend. Thanks to Catherine and Matthew Williams for providing us not only a beautiful wedding to attend, but also a long awaited family renunion where we could be entertained.
Cheers!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Last Day of School, First Day of Summer
Today is the day that all teachers wait for. Today was the First Day of Summer, and the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. well....for the kids anyway. We teachers are having brekkist and doing some cleaning and a bit of the turning in of the grades.
This last week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. The whole thing brought back bittersweet memories of the last week of my senior year of high school. Only difference about that was to ease the depression I had moving to LA and USC to look forward to. Now I only have unemployment to stare in the face. *sigh*
This whole week I've spent signing year books, or rather doing elaborate drawings or portraits in year books. I never want to draw someone's face at their request again. Yesterday was spent saying goodbye to all the students I've come to care for so deeply, and trying very hard not to cry. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they affected me, and I know that I will probably see many hundreds more like them in the years to come, but still. Every year will be hard. The fate of the teacher.
So now I have to figure out what to do next. At the moment I'm going to sleep, and then get up early to finish grading finals and finish grades. Then I'm going to do my best not to dread too much yet get too excited about the series finale of a show that has been a very important part of my life for a long time. When the time comes, I will watch it, and hopefully be well rewarded by my faith in the SciFi Channel, then go to bed and get up early Saturday morning to subject myself to a wedding in Fresno.
Why oh why? *sob*
Anyway, cheers to the First Day of Summer and the Last Day of School. It was a good day.
This last week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. The whole thing brought back bittersweet memories of the last week of my senior year of high school. Only difference about that was to ease the depression I had moving to LA and USC to look forward to. Now I only have unemployment to stare in the face. *sigh*
This whole week I've spent signing year books, or rather doing elaborate drawings or portraits in year books. I never want to draw someone's face at their request again. Yesterday was spent saying goodbye to all the students I've come to care for so deeply, and trying very hard not to cry. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they affected me, and I know that I will probably see many hundreds more like them in the years to come, but still. Every year will be hard. The fate of the teacher.
So now I have to figure out what to do next. At the moment I'm going to sleep, and then get up early to finish grading finals and finish grades. Then I'm going to do my best not to dread too much yet get too excited about the series finale of a show that has been a very important part of my life for a long time. When the time comes, I will watch it, and hopefully be well rewarded by my faith in the SciFi Channel, then go to bed and get up early Saturday morning to subject myself to a wedding in Fresno.
Why oh why? *sob*
Anyway, cheers to the First Day of Summer and the Last Day of School. It was a good day.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
GK Is My Hero
I found this little jem on the front page of the LA Times online today. After wrapping up a stellar performance of "A Prairie Home Companion" at the Greek Theatre last Friday night (which I can't believe I missed), Garrison Keeler inexplicably felt the need to express pride in a city he only visits once or twice a year. I totally agree with what he has to say about the city of angels. Enjoy!
La Pura Vida Beckons in L.A.
cheers!
La Pura Vida Beckons in L.A.
cheers!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Knot Proficient
Thanks to one of my mates, Bert, here is a picture of me puzzling over a knot. Several people on Sunday asked me if it was a Matthew Walker knot, which in fact it was not. I was tying a Tack knot, which can be accomplished by first making a crown knot and then a wall knot on top. Then you double back the crown and tuck the ends in the center. It can be found on page 35 of that handy book the wonderful Fiona was holding up for reference (thank you Fiona).
The hammock netting is coming along swimmingly, though a little too slow for my liking. That's mostly something I have to get over, as we all have other things to do. But I am getting faster at weaving on my rig at home, so I hope to have the netting done by the time the Surprise finally gets to sail. The sections we've finished are already looking better.
Cheers!
The hammock netting is coming along swimmingly, though a little too slow for my liking. That's mostly something I have to get over, as we all have other things to do. But I am getting faster at weaving on my rig at home, so I hope to have the netting done by the time the Surprise finally gets to sail. The sections we've finished are already looking better.
Cheers!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Hawai'i - Day One continued...
Okay, so back to where I left off. I love flying, so getting on the plane and taking off was very exciting. The flight itself was relatively uneventful, though I was sitting next to and amongst a large group of high school girls flying out to Hawai'i for a band competition. The girl next to me wouldn't sit still for the entire five hour flight, and kept taking pictures of herself and one of her buddies. *sigh*.
The approach to the islands was very cool. Five hours of blue ocean and some clouds broken by 30 minutes of flying past really beautiful drops of land. We saw the Big Island first, with its volcanoes, then Maui, then Molokai and L'anai, and finally looking down saw Diamondhead and Oahu. We flew over Honolulu and Waikiki, and past the island, to turn and bank in and down and land in Honolulu. It was a beautiful approach.
I got off the plane, found the rental place, got my car, and with the help of Jeff's navigation device, made my way out of Honolulu and heading towards Waianae (the town where the school is). In a valley next to Waianae is the town of Makaha, where the resort and golf club was that I was staying at. I got there in good time. What I saw on the way up there gave me second thoughts. The beaches all the way up the coast were covered in makeshift tents of all kinds, and old, broken down cars. I'd been warned by the lady at the rental car agency that those tents belonged to homeless people. After a while, the beaches cleared slightly and I found myself in Waianae, passing the high school.
This area looked pretty rough. In my mind I was comparing it to the rundown areas of Delray and Deerfield Beach in Florida, and the shabbier parts of Watts and Santa Ana where my current high school is. A lot of it reminded me of towns I'd seen in Central Texas, as most of the soil on the island is a deep red color, and quite a bit of this area tries to be agricultural. The whole time I was thinking, "where is the tropical paradise I've been reading about?". But I had been forwarned by my readings about this area. I guess I wasn't quite prepared for the reality of it. These things always look different in my head.
The resort was beautiful. The only thing that kept me from totally enjoying it was that it was soooooooo humid. It was hot too, but that had something to do with the fact that I had worn jeans for the flight. But the humidity was oppressive. I mean, I almost think it was worse than Florida, but I'm not sure since I've become so accustomed to SoCal living. I immediately missed the cool, dry air of CDM and the SoCal coast. I'd brought my big Museum Crew jacket with me, and I knew right away that if I moved there, I would never get a chance to wear it. Now I know what that book I read meant when it said that a true islander gives all of their cold weather clothes to the Salvation Army.
Once I got my room, I pretty much passed out (since I'd been up since 4am my time, and that was a long flight) until dinner time-ish. I headed back out for dinner in Honolulu, wanting to explore a bit. I was pretty tired though, and didn't end up doing much exploring. I went back to the resort and that ended my day. The weather was pretty dull, so the sunset wasn't exciting or anything.
That's all for Day One.
The approach to the islands was very cool. Five hours of blue ocean and some clouds broken by 30 minutes of flying past really beautiful drops of land. We saw the Big Island first, with its volcanoes, then Maui, then Molokai and L'anai, and finally looking down saw Diamondhead and Oahu. We flew over Honolulu and Waikiki, and past the island, to turn and bank in and down and land in Honolulu. It was a beautiful approach.
I got off the plane, found the rental place, got my car, and with the help of Jeff's navigation device, made my way out of Honolulu and heading towards Waianae (the town where the school is). In a valley next to Waianae is the town of Makaha, where the resort and golf club was that I was staying at. I got there in good time. What I saw on the way up there gave me second thoughts. The beaches all the way up the coast were covered in makeshift tents of all kinds, and old, broken down cars. I'd been warned by the lady at the rental car agency that those tents belonged to homeless people. After a while, the beaches cleared slightly and I found myself in Waianae, passing the high school.
This area looked pretty rough. In my mind I was comparing it to the rundown areas of Delray and Deerfield Beach in Florida, and the shabbier parts of Watts and Santa Ana where my current high school is. A lot of it reminded me of towns I'd seen in Central Texas, as most of the soil on the island is a deep red color, and quite a bit of this area tries to be agricultural. The whole time I was thinking, "where is the tropical paradise I've been reading about?". But I had been forwarned by my readings about this area. I guess I wasn't quite prepared for the reality of it. These things always look different in my head.
The resort was beautiful. The only thing that kept me from totally enjoying it was that it was soooooooo humid. It was hot too, but that had something to do with the fact that I had worn jeans for the flight. But the humidity was oppressive. I mean, I almost think it was worse than Florida, but I'm not sure since I've become so accustomed to SoCal living. I immediately missed the cool, dry air of CDM and the SoCal coast. I'd brought my big Museum Crew jacket with me, and I knew right away that if I moved there, I would never get a chance to wear it. Now I know what that book I read meant when it said that a true islander gives all of their cold weather clothes to the Salvation Army.
Once I got my room, I pretty much passed out (since I'd been up since 4am my time, and that was a long flight) until dinner time-ish. I headed back out for dinner in Honolulu, wanting to explore a bit. I was pretty tired though, and didn't end up doing much exploring. I went back to the resort and that ended my day. The weather was pretty dull, so the sunset wasn't exciting or anything.
That's all for Day One.
Hawai'i - Day One
Last week, I had the great fortune to be able to go visit Hawai'i. However, while I had planned to spend quite a lot of time relaxing, and not thinking of any of my students for 3 days, I wasn't there entirely for fun. I went because I was checking out a job opportunity.
A few weeks ago, I went to a job fair in Long Beach (a job fair for teachers) and I spent quite a while talking to a school from Hawai'i. They got really excited when they found out all the artistic things I can do and teach. The principal of the school, Joann, went off for a few minutes and then returned to tell me that she'd created a class on the spot, a class for Graphic Arts for next year. They were so excited. So, I went home very happy, and very bewildered. How could it be that easy? There had to be something more to it.
Turns out there was. The high school is in a town on Oahu, that has the reputation of being one of the roughest, toughest neighborhoods in Hawai'i. It is mostly native Hawai'ian, and Pacific Islander, and from what I've heard and read, is compared to places like Inglewood and Watts. It is also on the side of the island of Oahu that is the hottest, brownest side -- the Leeward side. I did a lot of reading and researching about the island, the town, and Hawai'i in general. Now it was time to go visit the school.
When I left LA I had the mental position that whatever this job was, it was a job and that is hard to find for an art teacher. I figured that if I had done my student teaching in LA, most likely I would end up at a school that was no different, really. And that is still true. But I wasn't really prepared for what I found.
Um...I'll continue this in another post. I don't want it to get too long, and I have to go keep my grandmother company.
ta!
A few weeks ago, I went to a job fair in Long Beach (a job fair for teachers) and I spent quite a while talking to a school from Hawai'i. They got really excited when they found out all the artistic things I can do and teach. The principal of the school, Joann, went off for a few minutes and then returned to tell me that she'd created a class on the spot, a class for Graphic Arts for next year. They were so excited. So, I went home very happy, and very bewildered. How could it be that easy? There had to be something more to it.
Turns out there was. The high school is in a town on Oahu, that has the reputation of being one of the roughest, toughest neighborhoods in Hawai'i. It is mostly native Hawai'ian, and Pacific Islander, and from what I've heard and read, is compared to places like Inglewood and Watts. It is also on the side of the island of Oahu that is the hottest, brownest side -- the Leeward side. I did a lot of reading and researching about the island, the town, and Hawai'i in general. Now it was time to go visit the school.
When I left LA I had the mental position that whatever this job was, it was a job and that is hard to find for an art teacher. I figured that if I had done my student teaching in LA, most likely I would end up at a school that was no different, really. And that is still true. But I wasn't really prepared for what I found.
Um...I'll continue this in another post. I don't want it to get too long, and I have to go keep my grandmother company.
ta!
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