Disatisfaction

I wish I knew why these thoughts choose to plague me right when I'm trying to fall asleep. Why can't I just turn off the light and slip into blissful dreaming? Instead I lay here, trying to ignore all of my failures and disappointments and worst of all, my worries. The fact that I have about $20 to my name, and the month isn't even half over, is something that brings tears to the corners of my eyes at any moment.

But I think that there is more to it. I've been miserable for days. I'm pretty good at hiding it, burying the pain when I'm around the kids I teach and the people I work with, but it's there. Sunday night's church service was wonderful, but I barely felt better. Even the success of proposing and getting approval for starting an afterschool ceramics program at school can't make me feel the way I should.

I keep thinking back over the disaster Christmas was this year. I want to put it behind me, forget, but I relive all the horrible parts of it along with my usual line-up at night. I know what I need to do it sit down and write a long letter to Dad, telling him how I feel, how frusterated I am that we have this really crappy relationship, and how angry I feel about this past Christmas... But everytime I try, I can't think of what to say.

How do I come right out and tell him that I felt like he was being a big jerk? I've never said anything like that to him before. But it's true. Part of my anger too is that Christmas is supposed to be the time of the year that I recharge. Get ready for the challenges ahead. Instead I was so focused on the lack of anything resembling quality family time, the constant need to be on guard against whatever bizarre comments or thoughtless opinions might come flying out of the blue, that I missed what was important.

And now I'm pissed. The fallout from the "non-holiday" I had doesn't wash off in the shower, isn't erased by new positive experiences I've had since. It just added another layer of scar tissue that keeps me awake at night. I've already decided that I'm never putting myself in that situation again, even if it means some painful distancing in the future. Like spending next Christmas enjoying the splendors of New Zealand or something.

Now that I've written some of this down, maybe I can fall asleep.

Yeah, right.

I Like Drawing in Blue...

I don't know why I like this drawing... I did it a few days ago, and I'm not sure what I would do differently. I guess I like it just the way it is.