I sit here at my computer at five after two in the morning, fully understanding the meaning of the term "losing sleep". Somebody said something to me today, or more like made a request of me today. A request that by my own clumsy machinations I cannot refuse, yet have no way to make it happen without causing great pain to everyone concerned.
I think it was the full moon. Today was a really crappy day, with one exception. It started out with me having early morning nightmares about money, then getting a call from my mother that she was dropping something off. I went down to meet her, and checked my mail while I waited. I found a letter from a school that I had really hoped to get a job, kindly rejecting my application, and a letter from the City of San Diego, letting me know how much money they were going to relieve me off for going too fast on the 5. Money I don't have. Hence the nightmares.
The day was beautiful, I'll give it that. But I'm wary of such things sometimes. My car was broken (again) and I was stuck for things to do. I walked to the movie theatre to see a movie that was wonderful and charming, yet the power of it was rather lost on me because of the issues wallowing around in my head. My new job called to reschedule my first day at work, and by this time I was working on a beautiful headache.
Then came the request. The one I can't refuse. All of this has led up to me sitting at my computer at 2 in the morning, trying to figure out how to quiet the demons in my head and go to sleep. But I can't. They have pointed out to me what I've failed to see all these years, and because of some well-meaning comments made to me last weekend, I see the truth in what they say. I really have made a complete mess of my life.
Ever since I left for school in California, I have been completely unable to take care of myself. I can't pay my bills, I can't keep my living spaces clean, I can't feed myself properly, I have no social life, and I can't figure out how to stop lying to myself and to those around me about my affairs and status in life. Real lies, the kind that pile up, until you can't see past them, and don't know how to get clean again. Its like I need to file for bankruptcy for my life. But I'm afraid I won't know how to do it right the second time.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to come clean, and still be forgiven. Because no matter what I'm still incapable, untrustworthy, and unable to fend for myself. And no matter how much I want to blame how I've turned out on others, I'm still the one at the bottom of the ladder. Ultimately I'm the one to blame.
You wanna know the crazy part of all of this? To keep it all in perspective, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't committed adultery, I haven't been doing drugs or drinking my whole life, I haven't committed treason, I haven't stolen anything, I haven't gotten myself pregnant at the age of 15...the list goes on. But what I have done, in my small, concentrated way I will never shake the shame of all the days of my life.
Dramatic? Yes, well, I'm an artist. A passionate soul. Useless, but passionate nonetheless. That's what happens when you've screwed up (again), others know it and are waiting for you to come clean, and you can't and you are up all night losing sleep over it. And I haven't had anything to drink yet! Imagine what I'd sound like if I'd been drunk (which will never happen. period.).
Well...now it is 2:30, and I have to help my brother move in the morning.
Goodnight.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Wedding Madness
This weekend provided ample distraction from the pain of letting go of school and facing my future. My cousin Catherine got married on Saturday night to Matthew Williams, and though I doubt they will ever see this, I offer my congratulations. They seemed such the lovely couple. While I really wanted to see the wedding, my brother and I were there to see the madness of our family getting together for the first time in years. People that neither of us had seen in over a decade, people that didn't get along with the rest of the family, people whose minds have left them in uncertainty...they were all there.
To keep track of the madness and craziness, Matt and I kept a tally.
For a little clarification, Jodi is our Aunt, married to our mother's brother, Dennis, and The Girls are their kids. They've been estranged from our family for years, though Dennis is in contact with my grandparents on a regular basis. He's the most normal of them, but is chained to their madness, so we don't see much of him. The only member of my family that manages to get along with them or communicate with them at all is my brother, God bless him. Marian is my grandfather's sister. A few years back she was attacked by a dog, and ever since then has been searching for her mind. Its kind of sad, but she still does the craziest things, and this weekend was no exception. When you get her with my grandfather's other sister, Margaret (who is an elderly felon) and my grandmother in one room, chaos (and memory loss) ensues. If you can get around how sad it is, it is also pretty funny. Nice thing is that I don't think any of them are aware of what's happened to them.
Anyway, Marian took the prize for this weekend, with my grandmother coming in a close second. My grandmother earned lots of points for doing things like dipping the handmade biscotti (made by the mother of the bride) into her iced tea at the reception. Matt and I could hardly contain ourselves.
There are people who are on the list, but because of their tireless efforts to keep the weekend going smoothly, their craziness is being overlooked. I will mention that my brother earned himself a point on Sunday for frantically searching for his cell phone while in the car on the way home. He even made me get his bag from the back seat, search it, then call his phone a couple of times because he'd thought he'd heard it ringing. Then he stuck is hand into the pocket on his door (which he had just vigorously searched) and there it was. Despite passionate protest, he eventually gave in to having earned himself a point.
So, that was our weekend. Thanks to Catherine and Matthew Williams for providing us not only a beautiful wedding to attend, but also a long awaited family renunion where we could be entertained.
Cheers!
To keep track of the madness and craziness, Matt and I kept a tally.
For a little clarification, Jodi is our Aunt, married to our mother's brother, Dennis, and The Girls are their kids. They've been estranged from our family for years, though Dennis is in contact with my grandparents on a regular basis. He's the most normal of them, but is chained to their madness, so we don't see much of him. The only member of my family that manages to get along with them or communicate with them at all is my brother, God bless him. Marian is my grandfather's sister. A few years back she was attacked by a dog, and ever since then has been searching for her mind. Its kind of sad, but she still does the craziest things, and this weekend was no exception. When you get her with my grandfather's other sister, Margaret (who is an elderly felon) and my grandmother in one room, chaos (and memory loss) ensues. If you can get around how sad it is, it is also pretty funny. Nice thing is that I don't think any of them are aware of what's happened to them.
Anyway, Marian took the prize for this weekend, with my grandmother coming in a close second. My grandmother earned lots of points for doing things like dipping the handmade biscotti (made by the mother of the bride) into her iced tea at the reception. Matt and I could hardly contain ourselves.
There are people who are on the list, but because of their tireless efforts to keep the weekend going smoothly, their craziness is being overlooked. I will mention that my brother earned himself a point on Sunday for frantically searching for his cell phone while in the car on the way home. He even made me get his bag from the back seat, search it, then call his phone a couple of times because he'd thought he'd heard it ringing. Then he stuck is hand into the pocket on his door (which he had just vigorously searched) and there it was. Despite passionate protest, he eventually gave in to having earned himself a point.
So, that was our weekend. Thanks to Catherine and Matthew Williams for providing us not only a beautiful wedding to attend, but also a long awaited family renunion where we could be entertained.
Cheers!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Last Day of School, First Day of Summer
Today is the day that all teachers wait for. Today was the First Day of Summer, and the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. well....for the kids anyway. We teachers are having brekkist and doing some cleaning and a bit of the turning in of the grades.
This last week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. The whole thing brought back bittersweet memories of the last week of my senior year of high school. Only difference about that was to ease the depression I had moving to LA and USC to look forward to. Now I only have unemployment to stare in the face. *sigh*
This whole week I've spent signing year books, or rather doing elaborate drawings or portraits in year books. I never want to draw someone's face at their request again. Yesterday was spent saying goodbye to all the students I've come to care for so deeply, and trying very hard not to cry. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they affected me, and I know that I will probably see many hundreds more like them in the years to come, but still. Every year will be hard. The fate of the teacher.
So now I have to figure out what to do next. At the moment I'm going to sleep, and then get up early to finish grading finals and finish grades. Then I'm going to do my best not to dread too much yet get too excited about the series finale of a show that has been a very important part of my life for a long time. When the time comes, I will watch it, and hopefully be well rewarded by my faith in the SciFi Channel, then go to bed and get up early Saturday morning to subject myself to a wedding in Fresno.
Why oh why? *sob*
Anyway, cheers to the First Day of Summer and the Last Day of School. It was a good day.
This last week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time. The whole thing brought back bittersweet memories of the last week of my senior year of high school. Only difference about that was to ease the depression I had moving to LA and USC to look forward to. Now I only have unemployment to stare in the face. *sigh*
This whole week I've spent signing year books, or rather doing elaborate drawings or portraits in year books. I never want to draw someone's face at their request again. Yesterday was spent saying goodbye to all the students I've come to care for so deeply, and trying very hard not to cry. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they affected me, and I know that I will probably see many hundreds more like them in the years to come, but still. Every year will be hard. The fate of the teacher.
So now I have to figure out what to do next. At the moment I'm going to sleep, and then get up early to finish grading finals and finish grades. Then I'm going to do my best not to dread too much yet get too excited about the series finale of a show that has been a very important part of my life for a long time. When the time comes, I will watch it, and hopefully be well rewarded by my faith in the SciFi Channel, then go to bed and get up early Saturday morning to subject myself to a wedding in Fresno.
Why oh why? *sob*
Anyway, cheers to the First Day of Summer and the Last Day of School. It was a good day.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
GK Is My Hero
I found this little jem on the front page of the LA Times online today. After wrapping up a stellar performance of "A Prairie Home Companion" at the Greek Theatre last Friday night (which I can't believe I missed), Garrison Keeler inexplicably felt the need to express pride in a city he only visits once or twice a year. I totally agree with what he has to say about the city of angels. Enjoy!
La Pura Vida Beckons in L.A.
cheers!
La Pura Vida Beckons in L.A.
cheers!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Knot Proficient
Thanks to one of my mates, Bert, here is a picture of me puzzling over a knot. Several people on Sunday asked me if it was a Matthew Walker knot, which in fact it was not. I was tying a Tack knot, which can be accomplished by first making a crown knot and then a wall knot on top. Then you double back the crown and tuck the ends in the center. It can be found on page 35 of that handy book the wonderful Fiona was holding up for reference (thank you Fiona).
The hammock netting is coming along swimmingly, though a little too slow for my liking. That's mostly something I have to get over, as we all have other things to do. But I am getting faster at weaving on my rig at home, so I hope to have the netting done by the time the Surprise finally gets to sail. The sections we've finished are already looking better.
Cheers!
The hammock netting is coming along swimmingly, though a little too slow for my liking. That's mostly something I have to get over, as we all have other things to do. But I am getting faster at weaving on my rig at home, so I hope to have the netting done by the time the Surprise finally gets to sail. The sections we've finished are already looking better.
Cheers!
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