I sit here at my computer at five after two in the morning, fully understanding the meaning of the term "losing sleep". Somebody said something to me today, or more like made a request of me today. A request that by my own clumsy machinations I cannot refuse, yet have no way to make it happen without causing great pain to everyone concerned.
I think it was the full moon. Today was a really crappy day, with one exception. It started out with me having early morning nightmares about money, then getting a call from my mother that she was dropping something off. I went down to meet her, and checked my mail while I waited. I found a letter from a school that I had really hoped to get a job, kindly rejecting my application, and a letter from the City of San Diego, letting me know how much money they were going to relieve me off for going too fast on the 5. Money I don't have. Hence the nightmares.
The day was beautiful, I'll give it that. But I'm wary of such things sometimes. My car was broken (again) and I was stuck for things to do. I walked to the movie theatre to see a movie that was wonderful and charming, yet the power of it was rather lost on me because of the issues wallowing around in my head. My new job called to reschedule my first day at work, and by this time I was working on a beautiful headache.
Then came the request. The one I can't refuse. All of this has led up to me sitting at my computer at 2 in the morning, trying to figure out how to quiet the demons in my head and go to sleep. But I can't. They have pointed out to me what I've failed to see all these years, and because of some well-meaning comments made to me last weekend, I see the truth in what they say. I really have made a complete mess of my life.
Ever since I left for school in California, I have been completely unable to take care of myself. I can't pay my bills, I can't keep my living spaces clean, I can't feed myself properly, I have no social life, and I can't figure out how to stop lying to myself and to those around me about my affairs and status in life. Real lies, the kind that pile up, until you can't see past them, and don't know how to get clean again. Its like I need to file for bankruptcy for my life. But I'm afraid I won't know how to do it right the second time.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to come clean, and still be forgiven. Because no matter what I'm still incapable, untrustworthy, and unable to fend for myself. And no matter how much I want to blame how I've turned out on others, I'm still the one at the bottom of the ladder. Ultimately I'm the one to blame.
You wanna know the crazy part of all of this? To keep it all in perspective, I haven't killed anyone, I haven't committed adultery, I haven't been doing drugs or drinking my whole life, I haven't committed treason, I haven't stolen anything, I haven't gotten myself pregnant at the age of 15...the list goes on. But what I have done, in my small, concentrated way I will never shake the shame of all the days of my life.
Dramatic? Yes, well, I'm an artist. A passionate soul. Useless, but passionate nonetheless. That's what happens when you've screwed up (again), others know it and are waiting for you to come clean, and you can't and you are up all night losing sleep over it. And I haven't had anything to drink yet! Imagine what I'd sound like if I'd been drunk (which will never happen. period.).
Well...now it is 2:30, and I have to help my brother move in the morning.
Goodnight.
3 comments:
I won't say cheer up, since there is obviously a lot going on that will take time and hard work to resolve, but I am here if you ever need anything, and I know that eventually you will find the right balance.
But you have a lot of people who care about you! That is a kind of success, I think.Anyway, you know I'm around if you need someone to talk to.
I can relate to this very well. I know what it feels like to lose sleep over something you thought you could keep ignoring. And you can come clean to yourself but you don't know how to start over,and you don't want to come clean to anyone else. You just pray a lot and wallow a lot and don't know which way is up. It's ok. Bankruptcy is ok. A fresh start is ok. A new morning and a new to-do list and a few more of the same mess-ups are ok. We're all art in progress.
Post a Comment